Sometimes I wish that people would do away with smiles, laughter, and feelings of ease to just confront the empty hole we're all filled up with. It makes me furious when people, including myself, use friends as distractions. And I hate to admit it to myself, but people who laugh at everything and everyone annoy me more than anyone else. Humoring someone because you're intimidated strikes me as a fallacy and a weakness. True friendships are those built on a foundation of two people's distinct individuality and sense of self, two concepts which I can't fathom existing outside of a self-centered or lonely sense of yourself.
Some branches of existentialist philosophy argue that loneliness is the heart of the human condition. Essentially, we are born alone, travel through life as individuals, and die alone, and facing this loneliness while learning to cope and thrive in spite of it is the testament of our species. The older I get (or maybe the more cynical I become; perhaps the two are linked) the more this strikes me as true.
Surrounding ourselves with friends and acquaintances is our way of putting off the darkness and, while important and worthy, it hits me more and more as trivial and worthless, as I spend more and more time every day contemplating my own sense of feeling alone in a crowd, sick of my vulnerability, while criticizing my futile attempts to reach out and connect with anyone and everyone.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Hello?
Nights like these
give poignant, new clarity
to vodka, pink floyd lyrics,
and Cary Grant's charm.
It's all about not feeling alone.
Part of the problem
is that you must learn how not
to hold yourself above
a night or two of forgetfulness,
and find solace in the arms of a stranger.
And then one day you'll find
you wake up and decide
that a vaporous face
is never as good
as an everlasting embrace.
give poignant, new clarity
to vodka, pink floyd lyrics,
and Cary Grant's charm.
It's all about not feeling alone.
Part of the problem
is that you must learn how not
to hold yourself above
a night or two of forgetfulness,
and find solace in the arms of a stranger.
And then one day you'll find
you wake up and decide
that a vaporous face
is never as good
as an everlasting embrace.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
What Happened To You?
Your body melting alongside my furnace,
our white heat a climax of raging stars;
a cacophony of breathy vowels swims in my head,
compounding the acrid, musky scent of our steaming skin.
White rain rises from pores like fog in the summer morning's shining sun,
a yellow light that rises to praise you,
again and again,
with all it's power.
An odious lover left this tiny scar beside the blade of your left arm.
It looks me in the eye like God over the darkness of his land.
I'll cast him out of your left blade,
dig a ditch and bury the broken remains of his body and mind
alongside his blackened, bloody heart,
and leave you free to love at leisure.
--pour H
our white heat a climax of raging stars;
a cacophony of breathy vowels swims in my head,
compounding the acrid, musky scent of our steaming skin.
White rain rises from pores like fog in the summer morning's shining sun,
a yellow light that rises to praise you,
again and again,
with all it's power.
An odious lover left this tiny scar beside the blade of your left arm.
It looks me in the eye like God over the darkness of his land.
I'll cast him out of your left blade,
dig a ditch and bury the broken remains of his body and mind
alongside his blackened, bloody heart,
and leave you free to love at leisure.
--pour H
Monday, October 15, 2007
Supergirl Love Affair
It's maddening that you will leave soon,
because the pain you fight is pain you're feeling too,
but in the scance of pain, no long walk in the rain
will allow me to get through to you.
Grinning teeth flashed as wide as the sky,
I swore I'd never ever ever met a bluer pair of eyes,
And I sure wish I could say you were mine,
I said "I sure wish that you could be mine,"
So before you go to battle your foes,
and leave another heart in your trail of woe,
just leave me a mote of worth in a note
then I'll pretend you were more than a ghost.
I have the wildest dreams where we're up all night,
and you're pressing up against me in the candlelight,
while you're whispering to me softly how you'll love me all your life,
I wake up, and you're nowhere in sight.
With your hair put up in the cutest way,
You'd love me love me love me till the end of day,
And I sure wish I could say you were mine,
I said "I sure wish that you could be mine,"
So before you go to battle your foes,
and leave another heart in your trail of woe,
why don't you leave me a mote of worth in a note
and I'll pretend you were more than a ghost.
I kept the old shirt that you'd wear at night,
when we'd climb into bed and turn out the light,
I look around at day to see what'll take this hole away,
'cause again you've spread your wings and taken flight.
So before you go to battle your foes,
and leave another heart in your trail of woe,
why don't you leave me a mote of worth in a note
and we'll pretend you were more than a ghost.
I'll pretend you were more than a ghost.
Yeah I'll pretend you were more than a ghost.
because the pain you fight is pain you're feeling too,
but in the scance of pain, no long walk in the rain
will allow me to get through to you.
Grinning teeth flashed as wide as the sky,
I swore I'd never ever ever met a bluer pair of eyes,
And I sure wish I could say you were mine,
I said "I sure wish that you could be mine,"
So before you go to battle your foes,
and leave another heart in your trail of woe,
just leave me a mote of worth in a note
then I'll pretend you were more than a ghost.
I have the wildest dreams where we're up all night,
and you're pressing up against me in the candlelight,
while you're whispering to me softly how you'll love me all your life,
I wake up, and you're nowhere in sight.
With your hair put up in the cutest way,
You'd love me love me love me till the end of day,
And I sure wish I could say you were mine,
I said "I sure wish that you could be mine,"
So before you go to battle your foes,
and leave another heart in your trail of woe,
why don't you leave me a mote of worth in a note
and I'll pretend you were more than a ghost.
I kept the old shirt that you'd wear at night,
when we'd climb into bed and turn out the light,
I look around at day to see what'll take this hole away,
'cause again you've spread your wings and taken flight.
So before you go to battle your foes,
and leave another heart in your trail of woe,
why don't you leave me a mote of worth in a note
and we'll pretend you were more than a ghost.
I'll pretend you were more than a ghost.
Yeah I'll pretend you were more than a ghost.
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
One-Person Show
Putting together ideas for a one-person show based around graduation and the culmination of my adolescense. For some reason, I can't stop listening to Kelly Sweet's cover of "Dream On" by Aerosmith. I've picked it out on piano (the original, modified my own adaptation) and I'm definitely using it for the end.
Why I Love Theater:
1) I can be anything.
2) I can do anything.
3) I will always be learning.
4) I will always be growing.
5) Theater makes an impact.
6) Theater forces you to consider drastically different opinions.
7) Theater meshes international culture.
8) There are more brilliant bursts of humanity in theater than other areas of life I've experienced.
Why I Love Theater:
1) I can be anything.
2) I can do anything.
3) I will always be learning.
4) I will always be growing.
5) Theater makes an impact.
6) Theater forces you to consider drastically different opinions.
7) Theater meshes international culture.
8) There are more brilliant bursts of humanity in theater than other areas of life I've experienced.
Leaving
You've made that first step, and now you're off;
life's next adventure!
Good friends you've had, good friends you'll keep,
and time will seperate the difference.
Grow to be all you desire. You are unlimited.
We will share our paths again.
Love,
Drew
--pour Maria
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Ack!
I just realized I don't write about anything happy! Or that I write from a negative lens! Those two things are kind of synonomous, right?!
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Sick and Tired
I'm sick to death of my poetic ramblings. If you can't give me what I want, fine, but if you can't admit to yourself that you want it just as bad and more but are too scared to break things off with him, go fuck yourself. I'm not dealing with this shit anymore. I'm just hanging on by the fingertips here and wasting all my strength trying to climb back up the impossible hill to your heart, while you're having the time of your life. How can I feel good about anything when you're having such a good time? I'm afraid that doing the smallest thing will ruin your fun. You're a big girl. I love you. You can do a million things and you'll always be smiling while you do them. It's not fair that I had to meet you right now. I'm always going to regret not having you as a friend, being incapable of refusing deeper emotions. I love the way you make me feel. I love the way I want you in every way. I can't do it if you're keeping him around. I won't do this anymore. I want the best for you and can't figure out how to play my part. You haven't given me an idea of where I stand, and as much as I hate you for it I'm still willing to let it slide. Fuck that. I'm sick of playing dead. We're too good for this.
What's This?
I think, and the butterflies begin their dance.
Softly fluttering out of sleep, they move their wings in a gentle, inward breeze.
I feel their trepidation and respond; the drum (doom-DOOM, doom-DOOM) beats faster;
an unaccompanied double-stroke against my sternum.
They begin their dance, a frenzied flurry, unsolicited by my worry.
They charge the open air inside the gut and spill their bodies 'cross the sands against my tongue,
and what you hear is garbage, not the "I love you" that will never come.
I'm scared to make you feel worse.
Your "knight in shining armor" awaits you, my lady,
back at his palace, where the Warcraft waits,
and he will sit, alone, and let you stir
when all you want is to have him by your side.
I cannot say I am a better man; I value myself against other men
and measure praise and folly by their merits.
But these wasted words hurt more than I can bear,
though I cannot bring myself to cease their flow.
Perhaps tomorrow, I will find a better view.
No longer will I have to look at you.
I won't have to be the touchy-feely guy,
though I play him off like he's not really there,
and then I can let you go back to your Marcus,
a man I've never met, but a man I'm sure to dislike,
regardless of whether he's naughty or nice
I'll just think you deserve better.
--pour Maria
Softly fluttering out of sleep, they move their wings in a gentle, inward breeze.
I feel their trepidation and respond; the drum (doom-DOOM, doom-DOOM) beats faster;
an unaccompanied double-stroke against my sternum.
They begin their dance, a frenzied flurry, unsolicited by my worry.
They charge the open air inside the gut and spill their bodies 'cross the sands against my tongue,
and what you hear is garbage, not the "I love you" that will never come.
I'm scared to make you feel worse.
Your "knight in shining armor" awaits you, my lady,
back at his palace, where the Warcraft waits,
and he will sit, alone, and let you stir
when all you want is to have him by your side.
I cannot say I am a better man; I value myself against other men
and measure praise and folly by their merits.
But these wasted words hurt more than I can bear,
though I cannot bring myself to cease their flow.
Perhaps tomorrow, I will find a better view.
No longer will I have to look at you.
I won't have to be the touchy-feely guy,
though I play him off like he's not really there,
and then I can let you go back to your Marcus,
a man I've never met, but a man I'm sure to dislike,
regardless of whether he's naughty or nice
I'll just think you deserve better.
--pour Maria
Saturday, March 24, 2007
A Children's Game
One, two, three, four, five;
here I come!
Our game of hide-and-seek is at an end.
You've made a choice and gone with him instead.
An unconsecrated union cut by truer love?
Or a game of 'stimulate me, please'?
Our scoreboard flashed "You = 1, Me = 0" in my head.
One, two, three, four, five;
here I come!
Hands reaching for your face, indulging in
one last fantasy where you might be mine,
I run until the breath has left my lungs,
until my bare feet ache from the sharp rocks
I have endured since first I lay my eyes
upon you.
One...
two...
three...
...
...
...and now you've hid, forever lost to me.
--pour Maria
here I come!
Our game of hide-and-seek is at an end.
You've made a choice and gone with him instead.
An unconsecrated union cut by truer love?
Or a game of 'stimulate me, please'?
Our scoreboard flashed "You = 1, Me = 0" in my head.
One, two, three, four, five;
here I come!
Hands reaching for your face, indulging in
one last fantasy where you might be mine,
I run until the breath has left my lungs,
until my bare feet ache from the sharp rocks
I have endured since first I lay my eyes
upon you.
One...
two...
three...
...
...
...and now you've hid, forever lost to me.
--pour Maria
Sunday, February 04, 2007
What a Shitty Weekend
The only thing that could have possibly made this weekend any worse is if a three-ton rhinocerous was dropped out of a cargo plane, made a failed attempt to open an emergency chute, dropped through the roof of my house and crushed the already-broken toenail of my left pinky toe.
Guess who has the ability to fall in love with three people, have two dates lined up, and have his heart broken three times in the same weekend?
No, Andy Kaufmann is still legally dead. But I am still alive and kicking. Kicking like a ferocious mule with blue balls.
I don't quite understand why fate has conspired to make sure that women deal me a bad hand lately, but I'm still trying to figure out HOW and IF I can beat the house at its own game. Like TT (her nickname, as the "innocent" will be protected), who stood me up two weeks in a row and refused to return inquiries. Problem is, I still have no idea if she has a boyfriend or not.
Or MH, who, after three months of careful eyeing at karaoke nights, was finally courageous enough to venture a chance introduction at a chance karaoke meeting elsewhere! What a delight to find out that not only is she amazingly cute AND has a vibrant, magnetic personality, but she is SMART and shy in only the most INTRIGUING of ways!
After setting one movie date, she calls one hour before and confesses to having a boyfriend.
Honestly, what the fuck. I don't see why a person will let this can happen. Especially when they pre-cursor the confession with "I was drunk, and you are a really attractive guy, and I can't believe I was flirting with you so much but I couldn't help myself..." Thanks. Now not only do I have reason to be incredibly hurt, I have reason to suspect that even if we managed to follow through on an incredible connection, I have solid grounds for suspicion of your motives whenever you'd be meeting new people.
As for the third...let's just say that when you meet an incredibly hot, unique bartender, hit it off and have a great conversation, get her to volunteer her working days to you and end with big smiles and a "see you this weekend", it doesn't neccessarily mean that she will be in the same mood for conversation when you return at the aforementioned set date.
Live and learn.
I hate America.
Guess who has the ability to fall in love with three people, have two dates lined up, and have his heart broken three times in the same weekend?
No, Andy Kaufmann is still legally dead. But I am still alive and kicking. Kicking like a ferocious mule with blue balls.
I don't quite understand why fate has conspired to make sure that women deal me a bad hand lately, but I'm still trying to figure out HOW and IF I can beat the house at its own game. Like TT (her nickname, as the "innocent" will be protected), who stood me up two weeks in a row and refused to return inquiries. Problem is, I still have no idea if she has a boyfriend or not.
Or MH, who, after three months of careful eyeing at karaoke nights, was finally courageous enough to venture a chance introduction at a chance karaoke meeting elsewhere! What a delight to find out that not only is she amazingly cute AND has a vibrant, magnetic personality, but she is SMART and shy in only the most INTRIGUING of ways!
After setting one movie date, she calls one hour before and confesses to having a boyfriend.
Honestly, what the fuck. I don't see why a person will let this can happen. Especially when they pre-cursor the confession with "I was drunk, and you are a really attractive guy, and I can't believe I was flirting with you so much but I couldn't help myself..." Thanks. Now not only do I have reason to be incredibly hurt, I have reason to suspect that even if we managed to follow through on an incredible connection, I have solid grounds for suspicion of your motives whenever you'd be meeting new people.
As for the third...let's just say that when you meet an incredibly hot, unique bartender, hit it off and have a great conversation, get her to volunteer her working days to you and end with big smiles and a "see you this weekend", it doesn't neccessarily mean that she will be in the same mood for conversation when you return at the aforementioned set date.
Live and learn.
I hate America.
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